So I’ve just started this online dating thing only to discover most of you are rubbish at it. You need to up your game, losers! I’m going to help you score some hot chicks right now, because I kind of feel sorry for you. Here are the top five reasons you aren’t getting any matches on Tinder.
1. I can’t see your face
Dear person. I want you to back up. Have you done that? Good. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Tinder is a kind of dating site. It’s a bit like OKCupid only you have no real information to go on as to whether or not someone is a complete ass. The small amount of information you do have is a photograph. So why the heck is your face covered in all your pictures? Tinder is one of the few places I’m allowed to be unapologetically shallow. If you wouldn’t wear a ski mask to a bar, don’t wear it on Tinder.
2. You’re drinking in every single photo
I get it. You’re alone, miserable, and have finally resorted to online dating. It’s bad for all of us, buddy. No one wants to be here. But you’re not doing yourself any favours by constantly swigging beer or wine or whatever substance you have in that suspicious brown paper bag in that one photo where you have a beard. If you’re going to take pictures of yourself drinking, at least purchase a nice receptacle to do it from. Perhaps a leather hip flask, or at least a Marks and Spencer carrier bag.
3. You’re really into sports
Like really into sports. You’re doing so much sport that I feel bad and tired just looking at you. I don’t even know what some of those sports are. Is that really a sport or did you make it up? Why is it played on a mountaintop? That just seems unnecessary. Did you take up that unnecessary unbelievable mountain sport just so you could take a picture of it for your Tinder profile? That’s low, dude.
4. You have too many friends
Look. I’m sure you’re super popular but I’m not here to look at pictures of you hanging out with your friends. Unless you’re the one in those awful sunglasses, in which case I am only here to look at pictures of you hanging out with your friends. In fact forget you, does your friend have a Tinder? Do me a favour and hook me up, will ya?
5. Your profile picture is of you making out with a naked inflatable doll
I’m not sure what more I can add here. I’d like to think you were just misguided and thought it was so incredibly hilarious that anyone who saw it would immediately fall to your crotch in sheer admiration of your prodigious jest. Unfortunately for you, I had a thirteen year old brother once. Tough crowd, I guess.
Yep. Tough crowd.
Written by Joanna Graham