Our Eurovision party went off. There were more people than reasonably fit in the living room and I didn’t go to sleep until almost 12 hours after people started arriving. Now that my body has just about recovered from the onslaught of brightly coloured alcohol and power ballads, I’m going to watch it again, except sober and by myself in a nice jumper my mum knitted me, and recap it so that if for whatever reason you didn’t watch it (or you were even more wasted than me and actually can’t remember anything) you won’t be ostracised by your friends and coworkers for not being able to join in on important conversation about pressing European issues like not the upcoming elections. There’s even some youtube links, but only at the end and to the ones that I felt were points-worthy, because I don’t hate myself that much.
So I’ve just started this online dating thing only to discover most of you are rubbish at it. You need to up your game, losers! I’m going to help you score some hot chicks right now, because I kind of feel sorry for you. Here are the top five reasons you aren’t getting any matches on Tinder.
1. I can’t see your face
Dear person. I want you to back up. Have you done that? Good. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but Tinder is a kind of dating site. It’s a bit like OKCupid only you have no real information to go on as to whether or not someone is a complete ass. The small amount of information you do have is a photograph. So why the heck is your face covered in all your pictures? Tinder is one of the few places I’m allowed to be unapologetically shallow. If you wouldn’t wear a ski mask to a bar, don’t wear it on Tinder.
2. You’re drinking in every single photo
I get it. You’re alone, miserable, and have finally resorted to online dating. It’s bad for all of us, buddy. No one wants to be here. But you’re not doing yourself any favours by constantly swigging beer or wine or whatever substance you have in that suspicious brown paper bag in that one photo where you have a beard. If you’re going to take pictures of yourself drinking, at least purchase a nice receptacle to do it from. Perhaps a leather hip flask, or at least a Marks and Spencer carrier bag.
3. You’re really into sports
Like really into sports. You’re doing so much sport that I feel bad and tired just looking at you. I don’t even know what some of those sports are. Is that really a sport or did you make it up? Why is it played on a mountaintop? That just seems unnecessary. Did you take up that unnecessary unbelievable mountain sport just so you could take a picture of it for your Tinder profile? That’s low, dude.
4. You have too many friends
Look. I’m sure you’re super popular but I’m not here to look at pictures of you hanging out with your friends. Unless you’re the one in those awful sunglasses, in which case I am only here to look at pictures of you hanging out with your friends. In fact forget you, does your friend have a Tinder? Do me a favour and hook me up, will ya?
5. Your profile picture is of you making out with a naked inflatable doll
I’m not sure what more I can add here. I’d like to think you were just misguided and thought it was so incredibly hilarious that anyone who saw it would immediately fall to your crotch in sheer admiration of your prodigious jest. Unfortunately for you, I had a thirteen year old brother once. Tough crowd, I guess.
Yep. Tough crowd.
Written by Joanna Graham
by Rebecca Ruechel
After a four year hiatus, I recently returned to my love affair with a certain American fast-food restaurant that serves a variety of convoluted Tex-Mex food and is known for being open late. While I have no regrets in reigniting this tryst, it is very sad that I live in a swanky neighborhood of the city and therefore have almost no access to terrifically bad Tex-Mex.
I know what you’re thinking. “Becca, why do we care about any of this?” I’m glad to inform you that you care because it has led me to develop recipes to fulfill all of our late-night cravings.
Street Wizard. What is Street Wizard? What does it entail? Does it really involve wizards? It sounds awful. I want to play it but I do not understand how. Please teach me the ways of Street Wizard so I may have endless fun that somehow involves ancient bearded men.
How to play: Street Wizards
- Susan Lipsett and Liz Nelson
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen statements such as this; statements which promote the love of one’s body and appreciation of self, on the internet, in magazines and on television. They encourage women to look within and find the smallest something they can to convince themselves they’re worth loving. As if women aren’t actually worth anything to society until they can convince society otherwise.
It’s fantastic that some women have found happiness in self-love. What isn’t fantastic is the overused, cliché (and completely untrue) proclamation that that no one should be expected to love you until you love yourself. Women’s magazines are overrun with these messages, telling you that self-love is the most important thing for “getting a man” (but that this handy anti-cellulite cream sure would help!). Positively Present wrote a post on the subject, saying, “Whether or not you want to believe it, if you don’t love yourself, no one else can truly love you. Certainly you can be in relationships and experience varieties of emotions similar to love, but if you don’t love yourself, if you don’t respect yourself, I can guarantee you that no one else can really, truly love or respect you either”. Attitudes like this bother me. They bother me a lot.
Why should women be expected to love themselves for the sake of love? Why should women be expected to love themselves at all? Women don’t owe anyone jack shit, especially not love. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with who you are! Most of us have at least a little bit of self-loathing within, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less attractive, or clever, or funny, or great, just because you aren’t completely happy with who you are. Women face tribulation and oppression from every corner of life. The last thing they need is to be told by everyone around them that they face a loveless life devoid of meaning until they come to love every wrinkle, scar and lump.
Self-love is fantastic. It would be truly wonderful to live in a world full of women who feel comfortable in their skin. But that wish is unrealistic, and it’s unfair to expect everyone to reach the same internal acceptance at the same time, or even at all. Stop perpetuating the myth that self-love is more attractive than self-loathing. It isn’t true, and it makes you sound like a smug jerk.
You don’t owe anyone shit; least of all self-love.
Written by Joanna Graham
Written by Derek Godin
Poster design by Olly Moss
Early in the third episode of season two of Welcome to the Basement (which is a great YouTube show about watching and dissecting movies), co-host Craig Johnson succinctly sums up the love-hate relationship that many cinephiles have with the Academy Awards:“The Oscars are lucky they have my unconditional love because they piss me off every single year.” The nominee announcement ceremony is a yearly exercise in frustration and annoyance. Great actors and actresses are snubbed, excellent films are totally ignored and the technical awards are treated like lepers. All of that before the East Coast has had their first cup of coffee and before most sane West Coasters have even thought about getting up.
Arirang dir Kim Ki-duk, South-Korea 2011/2012
It would be easy to call Arirang pretentious, self-indulgent, or even pathetic, but Korean director Kim Ki-duk (3-Iron, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring)is far too aware of his own flaws for any of this to be unintentional. Had he wanted to make a movie that caused the audience to feel unconditional pity for him he certainly would have skewed the facts to make them feel as much. Instead, he presents an incredibly vulnerable view of himself where he does, at times, come off as a weak, self-pitying “suffering artist” type, but through his introspection also shows himself to be an incredibly self-aware and talented artist.
It’s October 31st, time to get all dressed up in a silly costume as an excuse to watch scary movies and eat sweet treats! But aren’t they so much more rewarding when you’ve made them yourself? Here’s a recipe for delicious, sticky butterscotch cupcakes with a spooky makeover.
Written by H Rosenberg
Until the sixth of January, Manchester’s Cornerhouse is hosting How Are You Feeling?¸ a major retrospective and interactive exhibition by the artist David Shrigley. Shrigley is best known for his offbeat black-and-white cartoons: sometimes hilarious and sometimes disturbing and often both, but How Are You Feeling? also incorporates installation, drama and video.